Well, it's happening again. Most of the time I am a very strong, focused, faithful woman who has come to accept everything I have been blessed with. That's not to say I don't have a bad day every once in a while. This time, I'm not even sure what started it. Oh wait, yes I am. As of last week I know of 5 women that are pregnant. Now don't get me wrong, I am very excited for them. And typically I wouldn't bat an eye at the news. But 5...in one week! Honestly, it broke my heart. This is the time that I stop myself dead in my tracks, pray to God and ask for forgiveness for having these feelings (and for basically feeling sorry for myself). It's during these times that I start to think, well, maybe I should go to one more doctor or have one more test done. Or maybe I should really try to open my heart up to adoption. All of which I have let go and moved on from for the past couple years. And all of which my wonderful husband would go through again if I just said the word.
I mean, who am I kidding. I'm 34. I work crazy hours (because I can), I have 4 dogs (soon to be 5) and a husband that loves me more than anything; in spite of not being able to give him a child. So why put myself through this yet again? I don't know. And honestly, I hope God can help me get past this soon; especially since I have a baby shower to go to this weekend for twins!
No matter what, I will keep praying, keep trusting in all of God's decisions and His grace. I was not meant to be a Mother, this much I have come to accept. But I still am 'Mom' to my 4 furry kids running around in the backyard and that is good enough for me! Better days ahead...
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2 comments:
Wow! How did you find my blog and did you know that we are going through almost the exact same thing when it comes to infertility? Crazy! I would love to "chat" sometime! Thanks for the comment on my blog!
Awww, K....don't ever think you need to ask for forgiveness for those feelings. I'm pretty sure God understands! And you don't have to go to all the baby showers. We can plan a girls' day for any of them so you can use me as your excuse (we never did our b'day night out!!).
Love ya!
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